Trials
by prplfairy
Summary: They always try to figure things out.
1. Remind me

He doesn't know how it happened, he just knows that somewhere along the way they started going through the motions everyday. They would get up in the morning and get ready for work and head into work. At the end of the day they would return home either picking up take out on the way or cooking dinner then watch something on TV and go to bed.

Deeks was sitting at his desk catching up on paperwork when his mind kept wandering back to that morning. He had woken up early with the intention of going surfing that morning only as he was getting out of bed he looked at Kensi and couldn't recall the last time he showed her he cared. With that thought in mind he had gotten ready for work instead and went in. He had talked to Hetty as soon as he got in about getting off a little early if they didn't have a case come in.

Deeks was trying to figure out what he could do that could change the state of their relationship when Sam interrupted his thoughts "What's up with you Deeks? You've been quiet most the day." "Nothing just a lot on my mind right now. Don't worry though I'll be back to my normal self soon." I hope he doesn't push it but one look his way tells me he don't buy it so I think up the only thing I can to get out of answering him. "What do y'all want for lunch?" Everyone just looks at me like they are trying to decide if I'm being serious. Before I can say that I'm being serious Kensi pipes in and says she'll go with me to make sure I get the orders right.

Just as they are about to leave Hetty calls out telling Deeks that as soon as he gets the Robinson case file complete he's free to go. At that Kensi turns to him and gives him a look that says that whatever he says from this point on will not be believed by her. They are in the car when she finally speaks "Are you going to tell me what's really going on or are you going to tell me another lie?" He can't tell her what's going on cause it will ruin surprise for her. "It's nothing really ok don't worry. I guess I just feel like we've been working to much lately maybe we should put in a request for a vacation and go away together. Just you and I and in either the woods or on the beach which ever one you choose." Kensi is quiet for a minute before responding "That's if she even signs off on the requests which something tells me would never happen."

They make it back with lunch and they start eating. They small talk and Deeks makes an effort to act as normal as he can considering he is also trying to come up with a plan for that night. Deeks finally finishes the file the Robinson case file and hands it into Hetty before packing up his stuff to leave. He stopped at Kensis desk and waited for her to look up before speaking "You don't need to pick anything up for dinner I'll take care of it." With that said he walked out the door.

After leaving Deeks went to the store to pick something up for dinner and to get a couple other things for the night. He got home and started preparing dinner, he put the chicken in a pan and cut up an onion some garlic and butternut squash and placed it in the pan with the chicken then covered it and placed it in the oven. He was trying to decide if he wanted to start on the next part of his plan when his phone went off. It was Hetty telling him that she had just sent Kensi home. After getting off the phone with Hetty Deeks headed to the bathroom to start the water for a bubble bath so it was ready for Kensi for when she got home.

It had been a couple hours since Deeks had left work and Sam and Callen could tell that Kensi was no longer focused on her work but before they could ask her what was on her mind Hetty broke the silence "Mrs. Blye you can go ahead leave for the day" Kensi looked up and around before speaking "but Hetty I haven't completed half the files on my desk." Sam laughed before saying "you have a chance to get out of boring paperwork and you're going to sit and complain about not having half of it complete? I wouldn't question orders to go home if I were you." She's quiet for a minute before getting up and gathering her things she says bye to Sam and Callen before leaving.

Deeks was pacing back and forth in the living room trying to calm his nerves when he heard Kensis car pull in the driveway. He did a once over of everything to make sure things were set up for them. Kensi walked in and automatically she new something was up. Deeks started speaking "dinner is in the oven and there is a bubble bath waiting for you." Kensi looks around for a minute before turning back to him "this is why you were quiet all day. You were trying to plan this whole thing." "Go take your bubble bath we'll talk about this later." She starts to head towards the bathroom but stops and turns to him "did you get me ice cream?" He's trying to figure out what she is doing but decides against it "yes I did it's in the freezer." She heads straight for the freezer saying "I'd rather have the ice cream than take the bubble bath tonight." He watches her grab the ice cream and a spoon then head to the couch before finally speaking " and ruin your dinner." He's debating if he can really be mad at her but decides not to dwell on it cause he doesnt want to ruin whats left of the night "relax I'm only going to eat half of it and finish the rest after dinner. Besides when have I not ate all of my dinner after binging on ice cream before hand?" "Ok fine we'll do this your way. I suppose your wanting to know whats up with all this." She swallows a bite of ice cream before answering "well yea you seemed a little off at work today and you're obviously nervous right now so whats going on?"

He's quiet for longer than she would like and gets up tossing the spoon in the sink and putting the rest of the ice cream in the freezer. She's reaching for her purse when he starts talking "don't leave ok just hear me out" he waits for her to return to the living room before continuing. "I woke up this morning and was going to go surfing when I looked at you and realized that we have let ourselves get in the habit of going through the motions of the day. I'm afraid that if we keep going like this then what he have will become what we had and we will be over and I don't want that. If I can do something now to change the course and keep us from getting to that point then I'm gonna try. I'm going to do everything I can to remind you of what he have and what we can be." Kensi stayed quiet the whole time he spoke and thought about what he was saying "so instead of going surfing you went in to work and talked to Hetty?" He gets up to check on dinner as he answers her "uh yea I knew I would need to leave early if I wanted to have everything set up for when you got home and before you ask I was serious about taking a vacation to where ever you want to go." Dinner is done so he pulls it out of the oven and grabs the plates out of the cabinet and starts dishing out the food. He's just finished making the plates when she comes up behind him and wraps her arms around him and tells him thanks. He knows theres more on her mind but won't push her. They are almost done eating when she decides to say whats on her mind "I almost didn't come home. I kept thinking that you were going to leave that we were over but I kept telling myself on the way here that you wouldn't leave not like Jack did. I uh I'm glad I ignored those thoughts and came home." He doesn't tell her that deep down he was scared that she wouldn't come home that it was to late for him to try to stop the end of them.


	2. Remembering

She'd had flashbacks before and she had learned how to get through them and she was able to fight them off when she felt like she was going to have one. What she didn't expect was for the flashbacks to start the way they did, nor did she think they would be as persistent. They were packing up to leave for the day and no one had bothered to ask if she was okay.

Deeks watched her leave and knew that she wasn't handling things that well. The case had reminded him a little of Afghanistan and he knew it had to have hit a little too close for her. He took off after her and found her standing at her car, he called out for her waiting for her to turn and acknowledge him before approaching. It was a minute before she turned to him "what do you say pizza and beer at my place?" he asked as started to approach her. He watched her hesitate for a second before she looked up at him and asked "can we get yummy yummy heart attack instead of pizza" he smiled at her "yea sure."

Kensi told Deeks she would meet him at his place despite him insisting they ride together and he drive. He picked up the food and drove to his place as quick as he could with traffic hoping she hadn't tricked him and went home instead. He sees her car as he approaches his place, he didn't expect her to be holding monty and telling him that she was having a really bad day when he entered his home. Deeks spoke up alerting her that he was home and had dinner but was trying to avoid startling her in case she was in the middle of a flashback.

Kensi jerked up when Deeks spoke letting her know he was home and realized that for the first time all day she had let her guard down and wasn't fully aware of her surroundings. She looked at him and could tell he was trying to be careful and not startle her to much and for that she was grateful. She moved towards him and grabbed the food and looked at the beer and hesitated for a minute before asking if she could have water instead. He nodded his head and went to put the beer in the fridge before returning with two waters. They ate in silence and Deeks cleaned up the food and put what was left in the fridge, as he turns to go back to the couch she speaks for the first time since she asked for the water. "Thanks, I didn't think I could handle being alone tonight." With those words Deeks knows he was right "I was almost afraid you would turn the offer down and I'm glad you didn't. For the record you don't have to talk to me if you don't want to." "I thought I had it under control, I knew what my triggers were and I have been able to pull myself out the flashbacks as soon as I felt one coming on, but today for some reason I can't pull myself out of them.. I keep replaying it all in my head over and over again and no matter how hard I try I can't stop the flashbacks. I can smell the cave and I can feel the cold despite the fire being lit, I can feel the cold heavy weight of the chain they had on my ankle." She pauses for a second and Deeks is about to tell her she doesn't have to tell him the details of the flashbacks but she starts speaking again "I can recall everything they said and feel every blow.. I just want them to stop but nothing is working."

Deeks doesn't know what to say that can help pull her out of the flashbacks but he knows that she's not alone in recalling things that you would much rather forget. "I know you do and I wish that I could make them go away for good but I can't however I can promise you that no matter what I'll try to help you in anyway I can. I could tell the minute you started to struggle and Sam and Callen would be mad to know that the job stopped being my priority. I didn't say anything in front of them because I figured you didn't want them to know if you were having flashbacks. I'm really glad that things didn't take a turn for the worse once we went for the take down." He stops talking not sure what else to say. He doesn't know how long he has been watching her pet monty when she speaks again "just being here with you and monty is helping a lot more than you think. My mind is a little clearer and I don't feel as if I'm drowning in them as did when I got here. The next time you see me struggling like today just tell them even if I lash out at you for doing it just tell them because we might not be as lucky as we were today. I really put everyone at risk and as my partner you're suppose to have my back but as part of this team you need to look out for not only me but for them too." Hearing her say she was doing better just being there at his place with him made him feel a lot better. He looked over at her and said "that's good to know" he almost gave her that little grin but opted not to.

He reached for the remote "ok now on to a much lighter subject what do you want to watch?"

Deeks looked over at Kensi when the credits to some movie started and noticed she was asleep. He sighed with relief knowing that the flashbacks had eased enough allowing her to fall asleep. He didn't want to move her on the off chance it sent her into a flashback so he went and got blankets and a pillow for him, after making sure she was covered he got comfy and ready to go to sleep himself. He was half asleep when his text alert went off, he sighed and grabbed it seeing it was from Sam he started to wonder if maybe they knew she wasn't okay today "how is she doing" he was about to reply when he received another text "Please tell me you didn't let her leave alone and that if she insisted on going home alone you eventually showed up at her place and refused to leave" Deeks chuckled and responded to Callens text "Of course not, she's asleep on my couch right now" then he responded to Sam's text "She is doing better for now, I'll know more in the morning." Deeks put his phone down and hoped him and monty would be enough to keep Kensis demons at bay for the night.


	3. Getting through this

He never knew pain like this, sure he'd been shot and tortured, but nothing compared to the pain he felt right now. He wondered if this was karma for something he had done in his past or if fate was playing some cruel sick joke on him.

 _The day started out as any other normal day for them, they got up and while one showered the other would make their coffee and something quick for breakfast. They left for work hoping for an easy day but not wanting the day to consist of nothing but paperwork. They arrived to work and started on paperwork after greeting Sam and Callen. They had been at work for about an hour when Kensi got up and headed to the bathroom. As Kensi was returning from the bathroom Eric whistled for them letting them know they had a case. Deeks nudged Kensi on the way up the stairs "you ok?" Kensi tried to give Deeks a reassuring smile "yea it's just that time of the month."_

 _Eric and Nell started briefing the team as soon as everyone was present. Military explosives have been disappearing from Pendleton and Sergeant Chase Johnson, who was their primary suspect, was found dead at his home and his wife Anne is missing. Hetty told Sam and Callen to head down to Pendleton to speak to find out more about the missing explosives and to look at the crime scene while Kensi and Deeks were to go talk to Anne's sister._

 _Kensi handed Deeks the keys and climbed in the passenger seat. Deeks got in the car and turned to Kensi "are you sure you're ok?" She was searching the glove box and console looking for pain relievers "I will be the cramps are just worse than normal for me." Deeks started the car and headed to the address they were given. They were half way there when Deeks looked over at Kensi, she had her head leaning against the window and her eyes were closed but he could tell by the expression on her face that she was in more pain than she let on. "Be honest with me on a scale of 1-10 what your pain level" it was a minute or so before she answered "I'd say about a 6" he was quiet for a minute before he grabbed his phone and called Eric "tell Hetty I'm taking Kensi to the hospital, she's not feeling well and looks like she is about to pass out."_

 _As soon as Deeks hung up Kensi started protesting "I don't need to go to the hospital, I just need pain reliever and I'll be fine" "could you get out of the car right now and walk if you had to" Deeks asked her. Kensi slumped back in the seat and mumbled "no" Deeks glanced at her and then turned his attention back to the road "look if you're right and they tell you that it's nothing then I'll buy you ice cream everyday for a month ok." "What if you're right and something is wrong?" Deeks looked over at Kensi then back to the road "then I'll buy you all the twinkies, ice cream, donuts, and whatever else kind of junk food you want."_

That's a little more three hours ago, after several tests had been ran both Deeks and Kensi had been told that she was pregnant and had lost the baby. Kensi had not said anything since the Doctor told them the devastating news and left them alone, Deeks didn't know how he should feel or what he could say. "I was hoping that I was over reacting when I made the decision to bring you here, now I almost wish I had just taken you home and just given you pain relievers and heating pad" Kensi turned to him "we still would have ended up here or worse..." Deeks didn't want to dwell on the or worse. "Looks like there's one thing that Twinkies, ice cream and all the junk food in the world won't make better." Kensi was staring at the wall when she responded "maybe.." Before she could say anything else Deeks cut her off "no that's not why it happened ok. We may never know why it happened to us but we are to going to get through this together."

Kensi had just dozed off when Hetty waked in the room "I called Mr. Getz he'll be here tomorrow to.." Deeks cut Hetty off "no offense but I don't see how Nate could help us with what we are going through, if we need to speak to someone later then we will find someone on our own." Hetty looked like she wanted to say something in protest to him but she didn't "I got you both time off to recover. I guess I'll leave you two be." Deeks dropped back in the chair he'd been sitting in since they got to the room and closed his eyes "the nerve she has sometimes, I thought for sure she was going to tell you that we had to speak to him anyways" Deeks sat up and looked at Kensi "I thought you were sleeping" Kensi looked at him and sighed "I was trying to but when she came in I gave up. Some days I wish I knew what she was up to." Deeks nodded at her "I do to, but we never will and maybe it's for the best that we don't."

They were both quiet for a little bit when Kensi spoke "what if this happens again? What.." Deeks stopped her from asking that next question because it was the one he had been asking himself over and over again since the doctor gave them the news "if that ends up being the case we'll figure it out and look at all of our options. For now though lets just get through this together." Kensi looked over at him "That's going to be a little difficult considering we don't always like to talk about the things that are bothering us" Deeks reached for her hand saying "you're right but this is something I'm sure we both have some level of understanding of how the other feels. Lets make a deal to try and not shut the other out, and to never blame each other." She sighed "I blame myself for not noticing the signs sooner. I think when we do decide we want to have kids I'm going to pull myself from the field." Deeks is quiet for a minute before he asks "will it be for good or until you're cleared for full duty?" Umm can we talk about that at a later time right now I'm really unsure." Deeks just nodded unsure of what he could say.

Kensi was released from the hospital the next morning, and it was another week before the loss fully sunk in and she broke down. Deeks was there for her and they talked about things the best they could. Deeks didn't exactly keep his part of the deal, he told her he had come to terms with what happened but he hadn't the pain was still there months later. Watching Kensi sleep one night he wondered if he truly deserved to be completely happy. He climbed out of bed and headed to the other room thinking maybe everything should stay the way it was as he reached for the bottle hidden behind all the cleaning supplies.


End file.
